LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
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Twitter is an abusement park.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
If only
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people