Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
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[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.