LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
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Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Strangers have the best candy.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.