LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

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This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs


BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]


I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”


Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101


Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.


me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this


It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.


Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.


[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount


INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha