LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
and now we wait
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
let’s discuss
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
CRYING
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.