LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.