LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!