Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
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did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Beware of the “party goblin”…
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
dictator is short for richard potato
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
From Facebook just now…