Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
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I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Yup
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.