Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Sheep
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.