Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
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professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?