LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
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Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Saturday
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
A game married people play.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh