@schumoo “20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
@DainWins Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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@schumoo 
@rickkondell I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
@SlimWines Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
@ShesARealGenius Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
@KatWar1 What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
@bossy_bootz [God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
@Reverend_Scott Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
@_kayditty The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
@audipenny [reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
@HenpeckedHal Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.