@DainWins

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

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@schumoo

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

@rickkondell

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

@SlimWines

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

@ShesARealGenius

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

@KatWar1

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

@bossy_bootz

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

@_kayditty

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

@audipenny

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.