Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.