LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
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[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
early stone age tool
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
“I FIXED IT!”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.