Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
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website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick