Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
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Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit