Life hack
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
OH. COME. ON.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
*puts my mental health in rice
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.