@therealnauman1

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

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@SufficientCharm

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

@RdrJay47

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

@PleaseBeGneiss

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

@JesKeepSwimming

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

@_NTFG_

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

@Tmoney68

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

@ericbove

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

@_elvishpresley_

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off