Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off