Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
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I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*