Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
there has never been a better use of this meme
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins