Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?