life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Erm I’m gonna say no
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.