Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
You Might Also Like
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
“A little help here, Danny?”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”