Life is a suicide mission.
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“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
how high up are we talkin’?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.