Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two