“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
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*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.