Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
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Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
According to math, I’m broke
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun