Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
You Might Also Like
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.