Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
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Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.