Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
You Might Also Like
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
LA today:
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Phones down.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.