Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired