Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’m having an out of money experience.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.