Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
You Might Also Like
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce