Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
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met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
hey, alexa
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies