Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
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Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said