Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
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i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!