LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
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Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then