Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
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Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?