Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you![]()
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People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]