[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
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Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
incredible
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Are we there yet?…
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*frowns in Scottish*
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.