Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
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I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
hmm conte-me mais
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I love twitter
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.