Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I wish I could veto my bills.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
This trial is so absurd 😭
Put this video in the Louvre