Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I missed you with all my darts
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight