life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
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If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”