Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
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[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.