Life with a cat in one tweet
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Fries, not lies.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.