Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
You Might Also Like
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
are there any atheist mantises?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?