Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

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And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”


People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.


“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids


What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.


me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]


You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”


The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.


Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado