Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know