Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
2022 be like
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.