Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
You Might Also Like
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Had an epiphany today.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.