Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.